I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
40s are totally the cure
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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