It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
