I wish I could teleport
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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