I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
