I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
