cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
