Old men and throwing up are my life now.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
