It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
