smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
