just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
