just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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