he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
me + whiskey = a bad person
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
