there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
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