Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
