Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
