so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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