I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
