splinters make it hard to masturbate
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
