im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
