Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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