and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
