thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
