You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Never underestimate the power of titties
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
