she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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