Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
you made out with another girl for some wings
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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