Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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