So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
