I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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