Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
