I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize