I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
