1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
