That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Randomize
