i think i scared a bird with my dick
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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