There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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