when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
