ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
