I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
