This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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