I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
