Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
