When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
