If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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