guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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