I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
