You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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