Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
