fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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