Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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