she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
