Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm drive I can fine osifer
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
