I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
