im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
