Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
