hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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