My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
