Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
