Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
