So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
