My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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