lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
