Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
