yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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