y did u give ur computer a hand job?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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