Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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