good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Your penis caused this!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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