I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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