Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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